True Love
When I was little I wasn’t all that into Prince Charming. I didn’t really think much about whether I would eventually find the perfect guy. When I fantasized about the future it was children I saw. I assumed I’d have them with someone I loved but I didn’t think much about what that person might be like. I just really didn’t contemplate marriage all that much.
I didn’t date much in high school or college, and when I say ‘much’ I mean at all. My current partner is my first and only partner; somehow I ended committing to the first man I ever fell in love with. That wasn’t necessarily my intent when I set out in life, but it happened that way.
I am not my husband’s first partner; I feel like I should know the exact number of people he’s been with because I’ve certainly asked him enough times. As someone who has never been with anyone else I find his romantic history fascinating. Looking back into my own amorous past involves only my partner, before him there is just a nebulous void dotted with beloved romantic comedies and the occasional unrequited crush. It’s unfathomable to me that he looks back into his own history and can recall people and emotions that I know nothing about. It’s not that his past relationships bother me, it’s just strange to me that he has them when I do not.
I often speculate whether my lack of relationship-practice puts me at an unintended deficit when it comes to our own relationship. Do I have higher (or lower) expectations than I would if I’d been in relationship before? Do I question the natural growing pains of our relationship more because I don’t recognize them for what they are? Do I worry more if recurrent issues signal the beginning of the end because I’ve never actually witnessed the end of a relationship myself? Do I wonder more if he really is the one, because I’ve never had another? If there even is such a thing as ‘the one’?
I wonder a lot about true love and soul mates. I must admit, I question their existence. There are just so many people out there, I doubt anyone is truly perfect matches for someone else. Of course some couples seem to fit more seamlessly than others but I my guess is everyone has to work at it. Long term relationships are difficult. They require a surprising amount of work. Still I sometimes wonder, does everyone have to work so hard for their relationship to thrive?
For the longest time I didn’t understand what that meant, that marriage was hard work. While I never assumed marriage was easy, certainly it couldn’t really be considered work. Five and half years, and a two year old daughter later, I could write a thesis on the work required to maintain a long term, committed relationship. Like all living things one hopes will grow and thrive, marriages need to be tended. Love is not enough, a relationship must be nurtured and looked after, it requires constant maintenance lest it fall into disrepair. Sometimes it can even feel like a chore. It’s something I never could have understood until living it.
So many things are like that, incomprehensible until experienced ourselves. Just like I will never understand what it’s like to look back on a past infatuation through the lens of my current love–I will always wonder how my lack of relationships affects my current commitment. I will always wonder if a past love would make me more sure about the current one. In the absence of ever glimpsing what it would be like to have loved another, I can only grill my poor partner about his own experience, and glean what little I can from the myriad vapid romantic comedies available. Somehow I doubt either will ever satisfy my curiosity.
Do you believe in true love? Do your past relationships give you confidence in your current relationship?
I think there are many definitions to the words true love. But does my past experiences effect how I look at this relationship? ABSOLUTELY. After my last relationship of 10 years I had a list a mile long of what I would never put myself through again. I expected a life a whole lot different then marrying the first guy I attacked after being single for not a very long time. We now have a 2.5 year old daughter when I swore up and down I wasn’t a “breeder”. After living with someone who was all wrong, it was impossible to ignore a man who is so very right. Even if he is obnoxious.
That is such an interesting question. Josh and I both had a several long-term relationships before each other, several frivolous relationships and both of us each had one that was very serious. So we did bring a lot about what we learned from those past relationships to our marriage. I don’t regret any of them, and I’m really thankful to all those people. I think what I learned from relationships is more about me than it is about them. I learned about what I needed, what I wanted, what made other people happy.
I don’t believe that there is only one person out there for each person — a soul mate — but I do believe that the people we fit with best generally tend to have a good story attached.
I was married once before. That marriage was a bitter, mean disaster that really should never have happened in the first place. And honestly, I don’t even think of my ex-husband when I think of past loves as there was certainly no love between us for a long, long time. However, from that I learned important lessons about how I conduct myself in a relationship and what I expect and will or will not accept from my partner. I think having that failure makes me a better wife today. In contrast, my husband had no super serious relationships before me and there are times I do feel like his lack of having been through some typical relationship tribulations makes things harder than they need to be.
My husband is my True Love and The One in so many ways. I do believe we were meant to find each other and be together. We fit. But I don’t think it’s accurate to think he’s the only person who could have ever filled that role for me. Certainly my life would be different with someone else (and I am thinking of several specific someone elses that I could have ended up with), but it would also be filled with true love.
My husband never has revealed the exact number of partners before me. No matter how many times I asked! And years later, I have to say it really isn’t pertinent at all. If you had had a better lover or something, that would have led to some comparisons, but once again, it doesn’t really matter cause you’re committed to this one and yes, marriage truly can be hard work.
What a wonderful post! I have pondered these questions ever since I was old enough to fantasize about who I might marry/spend my life with.
Though I did date before I met my husband, no one longer than a few months. I did have strong feelings for one man before I met him and that man felt similarly about me. However, in the end I think he and I were too muck alike, if that makes sense. I think we could have had a very passionate life together (and I by that I am not only referring to our physical relationship), however I am not sure how we would have lived and experienced reality.
My husband of 11 1/2 years (we have been together for 15 1/2) is not the kind of person that I imagined ending up with. In many ways we are opposites, but I believe that our differences compliment each other well. When I dream too big or start to float away on my clouds of idealism and fantasy, my husband brings me back down to earth. Likewise, I challenge him to step out of his comfort zones and see things from different perspectives and to take more changes and dream bigger.
As far as “true love” and soul mates… I think relationships that are healthy and worthwhile take a lot of work. I believe that we can and should choose to love our partners every day, as opposed to “falling” in love with them. I do think that people, including me, can/could be happy sharing a life and loving more than one person (though not at the same time, I do not embrace polyamorism – sp?). I feel very blessed and grateful to be married to the man I believe that I will spend the rest of my life with.
However, I do think that both of us could have been very happy with others if our lives had played out differently. If something were to happen to me, I would want my husband to be open to finding and working at love again. I am sure he would miss me a lot, but I do think he could find another person that he fit well with.
Lastly, I do believe in the idea of soul mate, but don’t necessarily think there is only one for each of us “out there.” There is a quote in the movie Good Will Hunting that says, your soul mate is someone that “challenges you.” I have always loved that definition, as my husband and I do that for each other.
Clearly this post struck a chord with me and I appreciate the opportunity to read your thoughts and Mel’s too. I look forward to seeing what others have to say here in the comments about true love. Thank you for another thought provoking post, with more of your beautiful photos.
I like what Kathy says about working at love, rather than falling in love. We often joke that my husband and I are married because (1) he could write in complete sentences (we met online), (2) we annoy each other the least, and (3) we understand why one might need to order three desserts for two people.
We both had a number of relationships before our marriage, but I suspect that I had the more long term and serious ones (each lasting several years). There were also the “flings.” I don’t ask too much about my husband’s other partners, though, sexual or otherwise. I know that he is healthy, and that has been enough for me. I think I used to think about it more when our marriage was younger. Now, 10 years in (this year!), it seems less important.
I think you & I have a lot in common in this regard! K doesn’t remember how many women he’s been with (he could only assure me that he knows he never cheated on any of them, which I guess is worth something). We are so different from each other, and I often wonder whether, if I’d shopped around more, I would’ve selected someone I had more in common with. I do find, though, that the longer we’re together, the less it matters what happened before. We’ve shared so many experiences now that neither of us has shared with anyone else.
I don’t know if I believe he’s my soul mate, although sometimes I get a good laugh out of imagining G-d going “I know, I’ll take one person, and stick her in Boston! And then I’ll take the other one, and put him in… hmmmm… West Africa! Let’s see if they can find each other. Ha ha!” What I do know is that it works. Yes, life could’ve turned out very different. But I like the way it is now (for the most part), and I’m okay with that.
I am not sure if I believe in the idea of “true love” or “soul mate”. These terms seem to set expectations really high. Love is a beautiful thing, but it is also a daily chore. By chore, I don’t necessarily mean dismal, toilet cleaning chore (although it can be). I mean love has a lot of unromantic features, such as, compromise, humility, stagnancy. If I didn’t love my husband, I wouldn’t want to compromise on something that I thought was important. I wouldn’t care about how he felt about me or what I said or did. I would not stick around if life with him became boring. These are the parts of love that I am learning to really embrace.
One more thing, when things get rough between us, I remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. It’s an easy memory. That guy is still there. Then I fall in love all over again.