A Response from a Not-So-Natural Parent
So, by now we’ve all heard about Attachment Parenting (referred to as AP to save my poor, tired fingers). If we hadn’t before, we did last week when the Time cover came splashing across every Internet news source available. And even if you don’t know much about it, I’m sure you’ve heard of its claims to produce children who are more attached to their mother–and therefore more socially and emotionally capable–through attachment practices like co-sleeping, baby wearing and extended breastfeeding.
Recently I came across another kind of parenting: natural parenting (NP). From what I can tell from their blog, natural parenting is very similar to AP, which is funny because the natural parenting bible is called The Other Baby Book (The AP bible is called The Baby Book) which suggests that they are somehow different than the Sears’ bible. This is how the author of a recent post on the NP blog describes a natural parent:
What is a natural parent? While there are many ways to define a natural parent, it’s essentially one who takes care of his or her child using traditional, time-tested practices that help to enhance happiness, health and the bond between parent and child, with a consciousness of others and the environment.
The post is titled Why “Natural Parents” Are Richer and goes on to display a very design-friendly image comparing the “New Basics” (of NP) with the “Old Necessities” (of “mainstream parenting”). While the “New Basics” tout many free or cheap must-haves, like breast milk ($0), “your arms” ($0), your bed ($0), your food ($120) and carriers ($60) the “Old Necessities”side is chalk full of incredibly expensive frivolity like a crib ($1000 – where are they buying that?), bouncy swing or chair ($200), strollers ($400), baby food ($720) and bottles and formula ($1,300). My favorite discrepancy is the $1,160 for diapers and wipes versus the $25 for a plastic potty and reusable wipes. What, not even cloth diapers are allowed?! The grand total price for the rest-us-parenting is a whopping $4,900 compared to the NP total of only $220. Under the comparison chart is the following declaration:
My goal in this post is not to add kindling to the supposed “Mommy Wars,” but to provide some frugal, fun, and baby-friendly alternatives to mainstream parenting practices
Not adding kindling, eh?
From what I can tell, NP is pretty much identical to AP: they both espouse “traditional” and “time-tested” methods of parenting that are still used by the majority of the people on the planet. The fact that they’ve been around forever and are still used by so many families is one of the big reasons why us mainstream parents should be convinced they are better; because as AP/NPs are reticent to admit, there is no conclusive research that their practices actually produce more secure and emotionally responsive human beings.
One of the things that really gets me about Natural Parenting isn’t its cool graphics and its ridiculous assertion that NPs can get away with spending $220 on the first year of a child’s life. It’s not even the undeclared truth that to be an NP you have to be a stay at home mom (and if you’re not, I can promise you breastfeeding doesn’t cost $0 – it’s more like $600+ for the pump and bottles and flanges and soaps and medicines to treat thrush and mastitis – oh wait, that could happen to anyone!), or that its tenants are practically impossible to practice (in this country) for anyone who isn’t incredibly financially secure. What bothers me is that by calling it “Natural Parenting” they are implying that what the rest of us do is not natural parenting. That we are some how bringing our children up in some mutated, misguided attempt at parenting. That we are getting it wrong.
I’m sure NPers would argue that implying such a thing is not their intent and I can imagine all the reasons they’d list for coining the term “Natural Parenting” but at the end of the day, if you use the word “natural” to distinguish your way from the other way, you are implying the other way is not natural. Just as Attachment Parenting implies that other methods of parenting result in inferior attachment (except that AP gurus actually say that, they don’t just imply it), Natural Parenting implies that “mainstream parenting” as they refer to it, is not natural.
I want to make clear that I have nothing against attachment parenters or natural parenters or any specific practice they espouse. I don’t care if anyone co-sleeps or uses a sling or breastfeeds until their kids can talk. I tried to use a sling—many types of slings, which collectively cost me a couple hundred dollars–but my daughter hated them all. I also breastfed until my daughter was six months old and probably would have continued doing so if I hadn’t had to return to work (again, we can’t all afford to stay at home, despite what the strident recommendations on how to do so in Sears’ book might suggest). What bothers me about attachment parenting and natural parenting are the subtle (and sometimes not-so subtle) claims that their way is better, that their way is superior, that their way produces better kids, that by not following their guidelines we are doing our children a disservice, that the rest of us are “other” and not as good.
I know not everyone who follows these parenting guidelines feels this way, or says these things or even implies them. Many, many of them don’t. Many of them are just doing what feels right for them and urging others to do the same. Many of them don’t dole out judgment or try to belittle other parents. But many of the gurus do, in books, in articles, in the comment sections of articles. The gurus do make declarations and implications and judgments. And it’s hard to be the person on the other end of all that without having a negative assumption about their teachings. And it’s hard not to let those negative assumptions transfer to those who are espousing their practices.
Natural parenting may be the “time tested” way to parent, but it’s also been the only way to parent. People didn’t use strollers and formula and baby food 100 years ago because those things didn’t exist. Women carried their babies on their back while they worked because they didn’t have anyone to care for those babies or any way to safely feed them while they were being cared for. I’m not saying that they wouldn’t have chosen to parent that way if they had the choice, I’m just pointing out that they didn’t have a choice, and neither do mothers in most of the communities around the world that parent that way. It’s not fair to say, “this what everyone did, that makes it better,” when you neglect to mention that they didn’t–or don’t–have a choice.
Not everything in the past was better. Small pox wasn’t better. Maternal and fetal death rates weren’t better. Acknowledgement and treatment of post-partum depression wasn’t better. Not having antibiotics wasn’t better. The availability of clean water wasn’t better. Most people’s quality of life wasn’t better. Just because parents did things a certain way, out of necessity, doesn’t necessarily mean that way is better.
I wish I could make my own nifty graph (oh how I wish I could use Illustrator) showing the ways in which I, a not-so-natural parent, feel “richer” than I would have if I, personally, had followed AP or NP guidelines. I felt richer when my daughter slept for two five-hours stretches at a mere four weeks old and I was able to get some much needed (and natural) sleep. I felt richer when I had to go back to work and I knew my daughter would be fed safe, nutritious food, whether or not my breasts pumped enough milk. I felt richer when once a day my daughter played happily in her bouncy chair and I got to take a much needed (and very natural) shower. I felt richer when I had somewhere safe, and entertaining, to place my daughter while I trudged through graduate schoolwork during her first six months (because she would not tolerate snuggling sweetly in my lap—I tried).
I feel richer when my daughter sleeps a straight 10-12 hours a night every night, allowing my partner and I to get much needed (and totally natural) full nights of sleep. I feel richer when I can take my daughter jogging with me, assuring I get necessary (and natural) exercise. And I also feel richer when my daughter happily spends a full night or two with her grandparents, allowing my partner and I to reconnect on an intimate level. Heck, I feel richer to have a chance to connect with him intimately on any night that we feel so inclined (when that rarity occurs, we certainly don’t want to miss it!).
My point is not that my way is better, but that both ways offer positives and negatives, that no way of parenting is perfect. My daughter is a very happy, well-adjusted, appropriately attached little girl. I have no doubt that she feels secure in my love for her and that she knows her needs will be met at all times. I truly do not believe any other way of parenting would have “enhanced happiness, health and the bond between” my daughter and me. Our relationship is already as wonderful as I could ever hope it would be and I’m sick of people implying that it’s not, by saying their more natural style would have made it better. Everyone is parenting the best way they know how, the best way their circumstances permit, the way that is most natural to them.
So please, stop trying to co-op “natural” parenting and make it some exclusive thing that only a few people can claim they practice. We all are parenting naturally–the way that is natural for us. Stop trying to convince us otherwise.
I’ve heard others make this complaint about attachment parenting and natural parenting, but I don’t quite understand it. Don’t all parenting philosophies claim that they are right (and by extension, others are wrong)? Isn’t that the point of a parenting philosophy? From the other side, I’ve heard many, many people present crying-it-out as fact rather than opinion. I read a book once that talked about how to prevent a child from becoming too attached to his/her mother, and that book also stated that its practices were “very important for proper development”. So I’m not sure why attachment parenting seems to elicit this particular complaint so often (not just from you).
And I think the term “natural” is borrowed from the green movement in general. As in, feeding a child organic food is natural, pesticides are unnatural. Arms for holding a child are naturally present, whereas plastic & vinyl carriers are synthetic. I can’t say I totally practice this philosophy myself (or even kind of), but that’s how I understood the label. Not that it was a more natural way to behave.
And of course you are right, both ways offer positives and negatives. I think many people are practicing some elements of both styles, depending on their own preferences and also their kids.
I have to admit, I haven’t read a lot of other parenting philosophy books, at least not ones that give names to their philosophy and espouse them as truth. I’ve read books with descriptions of what a parent can expect from a child during certain developmental stages and some of those books give suggestions on what a parent might do to make those stages easier, but I haven’t read many other books that espouse a certain way to parent and then say that way is better.
One book I have read like that is about RIE parenting (I’m guessing that is the philosophy you were mentioning above – the founder and main spokesperson, Magda Gerber, talks a lot about “fostering independence” and not allowing the child to get too attached). And you’re right, I’m sure that book did say a lot about how their way was better. I honestly didn’t love that book very much either, and didn’t finish it. But I don’t remember feeling the judgment about how I was parenting from that book. I don’t remember her suggesting that if I didn’t follow her guidelines my child would be damaged in some way. I absolutely do believe AP gurus think that children who are brought up with mainstream parenting techniques are suffering for it and I’ve seen them voice that opinion in various forums.
As for CIO, that isn’t really a parenting philosophy per say, but it certainly does receive a lot of attention. I’ve never met anyone who pushed CIO on someone else, most CIO parents seem too afraid they will be ridiculed for traumatizing their kids by letting them cry. Though I’m sure you’ve come across some who do push it on others, and that is also not okay. From what I remember of the CIO books I read, they certainly didn’t threaten parents who chose not to CIO with mal-adjusted children, they just presented scientific evidence about babies sleep patterns and used that evidence to explain how CIO might affect a baby and then gave advice on how to implement CIO. But again, it’s been a long time since I read those books and I was pretty sleep deprived when I did.
I know we all parent differently and we all feel differently about different kinds of parenting styles. And I know I can’t clump together all the people who parent one way and accurately discuss their message. I’m just trying to address some of what I’ve seen in the media because it bothers me. Maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe I should be able to see through it, but this is how I feel and I wanted to put it out there. I totally respect your ability to see it differently. Gawd knows my life would be easier if I could too.
I’ve definitely had CIO pushed on me. I literally had someone tell me, “Ferberizing is right for everyone.” Those exact words. It’s just not right for my daughter, at least not right now. I think that no matter what we do, we’re prone to getting judgment from some angle.
Amen Deborah! You took the words right out of my mouth.
Yes, I believe AP/NP is better for my child and me than other types of parenting, that’s why I do it. The level of defensiveness in this post suggest that perhaps you’re not as confident in your parenting practices.
It’s fine if you believe AP/NP is better for your child and you. I’m very happy that you have found something that works well FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD. What upsets me is when people proclaim that AP/NP is what is best for ME AND MY CHILD. I would be fine, and am fine, with APers that talk openly about what works for them. What bothers me is when people make broad declarations about what is best for EVERYONE. Because AP/NP is not best for every parent and child and it shouldn’t be falsely touted as such by the people who created/speak for those styles of parenting.
And I appreciate your concern for my confidence in my own parenting but I assure you, you needn’t be. I’m very confident in my parenting choices and in the health and happiness of my daughter. I’m just tired of other people insisting that I should be. That’s all.
Excellent, excellent, EXCELLENT post today! This is everything I’ve wanted to say to my AP SIL and MIL, but have never had the nerve to say! Whenever my SIL posts something about AP (in her passive-aggressive way by posting it to FB (or better yet, sending me a link in email) but without a comment or an original thought of her own), I say to my husband, “why do the AP’s care how we parent our kids? We don’t care how THEY parent theirs!” I could care less that her three year old is still sleeping in her bed between her and her husband every night. Why does she care that my baby sleeps alone in his own crib?
Dr. Sears said the other day on the Today Show (no – I don’t watch it – but I caught the snip-it about the Time cover on YouTube) that he has NEVER had an AP child turn out to be a school bully. Really, Dr. Sears? NEVER? Last time I checked, the parents of school bullies usually don’t know, or acknowledge, that THEIR child is the school bully. Most parents of school bullies aren’t going to go into their pediatrician and say, “hey doc, my kid is an asshole to other kids at school.” No. If they KNOW their kid is an asshole to other kids, they will likely not want to tell a single soul about this and will deny it until their dying day (or until said kid stops being an asshole to everyone else). The “facts” and “findings” that the AP’s and Dr. Sears use to support their claims are nothing but their own assumptions, hopes, and DREAMS of what their parenting style will accomplish.
Wow – I didn’t know I was so hot about this topic!
Oh, after reading Courtney’s comment, I wanted to add that YES, Dr Sears is very preachy! Absolutely! I guess I was thinking more about moms I know, and less about him.
Very interesting post. I was listening to NPR the other day, and they were interviewing a woman who completely detoxed herself and her daughter from all chemicals and pesticides. To the point where they didn’t drive (because of chemicals on the upholstery) and only drank filtered water and were vegans only eating organic vegetables. After the detox, guess what? They still had a bunch of chemicals in their bodies! It didn’t make much difference! Her point was, if we really care about being green and getting chemicals out of our families’ lives, we need to all get together and do something about it, lobby Congress. This focus on protecting individual families and our own children by these organic and “natural” processes is kind of selfish and not even effective. Environmental efforts start at home, yes, but it’s only as a society that we can effect a real change.
We are all so different…I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep at all until G was moved into her own room. When she was sick a couple months ago I lay in bed staring at the ceiling until I couldn’t take it anymore and moved her back to her room. I don’t know what my deal is. But I still feed her her food at age 2.5, and I carry her all over the place. I try my best to do what makes my heart feel like the kind of mom I want to be, how ever it is I need to accomplish that.
I think attachement/natural parenting is great for those that it works for. What I resent is the smugness and condoscending attitude of some (not all) of those who practice it. And people have NO IDEA what is right for someone else’s child. For example, my kid ended up hospitalized because of breastfeeding, and he needs 13 hours of sleep/night because of his medical issues- which he could NOT get cosleeping. And $220 for the first year- ha. Sure, if everything goes according to plan. We certainly weren’t expecting $10,000+ in medical bills the first year.
Great post!
all kids need is one thing LOVE and everything else will follow. and so long as they have LOVE they will be secure and happy. it doesn’t matter if they sit in a pushchair or sling or drink breastmilk or formula. if they have the love of their parents they will grow into happy high functioning Adults. and that is really what we want as a parent to raise children that will turn into happy, secure and high functioning adults.
AWESOME post. There’s a lot of this in the homeschool community where my friend brings her child, and she’s been so upset about it … she wants people to understand that she is making the best choices for herself and her children, and not try to make her feel less because she isn’t parenting as they do. Yet another time when I will say, in my naive way, why can’t we all be more supportive of each others’ choices? You don’t need to ascribe to someone else’s philosophy in order to allow them to be confident. Why tear them down just because they don’t believe what you do?
I find so much about this post disheartening. It’s difficult to avoid internalizing much of the statements above (in the original post and in the comments) because this post surrounds two things in which I am involved and to which I am decdicated: attachment parenting (or my own personal take on gentle, attached parenting) and The Other Baby Book, which–full disclosure–is another place where I blog.
Justine very rightly says, “You don’t need to ascribe to someone else’s philosophy in order to allow them to be confident. Why tear them down just because they don’t believe what you do?” I feel like this post does that very thing. I wish so badly that this post felt less defensive and antagonizing. I wish very much that it centered instead on the real challenges that we all face in finding a stride in our parenting, in discovering a way to parent that feels authentic to us–which looks and feels different for every single parent. I find great worth in many of your statements, but unfortunately it also seems to propagate the same smugness at which it wags its finger. Which is a shame. I wish this post had been more about dialogue. I wish you could have shared these concerns on the very post you question, because I think you would have found some insight and perhaps a different understanding from the community there, and I think readers could have benefitted from reading your take on this. Instead of dialogue, this feels like…a defensive rant.
It’s interesting that you self-identify as a “mainstream” parent. You prepared for your birthing with a doula and aimed for a med-free birthing, you made your daughter’s babybood yourself, you cloth diaper, and you are raising her to be bilingual. These all seem to fall a little outside of the mainstream, don’t you think?
And this is exactly what I am talking about–are we really as different as you suggest? Aren’t we all juggling and struggling?
It’s especially unfortunate that you took aim at TOBB. Have you read the book? The authors GAVE away over 4000 free Kindle copies in honor of mother’s day, which strikes me as un-guru as it gets. If you had read the book, you would have found that its introduction very clearly seeks to empower parents to dispense with the “shoulds,” as in “you should be parenting X way,” or “X is what your child should be doing.” The book very clearly wishes to empower parents to find their own voice in parenting, to parent in a way that feels authentic, to honor your own parenting instinct, and to forget gurus! In fact, the crux is that the only guru you need in your life is YOU, so to speak.
If you read through the blog or TOBB’s facebook group, you will find it to be tethered by and composed of parents of all stripes. The compelling and heartfelt post topics in the blog have ranged from postpartum depression, to motherhood friendships, to traveling with children, to infertility, to ways to play with your kid, to losing pregnancy weight–topics that can find broad resonance with lots of mamas (and papas). And yet you color the book, the authors, and the blog with the one post you found uncomfortable.
Read this, please: http://theotherbabybook.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/peace-in-the-motherhood-enough-with-the-mommy-wars/
Trinity, first of all, thank you for responding with such honesty to my post. I’m sorry that it affected you negatively. That was not my intention. I tried to make it clear that I was frustrated with AP/NP proclamations and insinuations and not with the people who identify with their teachings while being respectful of others. I understand you that you internalize what I am saying here as an attack on you and the way you parent. Perhaps you can turn that around and understand how I could see AP/NP proclamations as an attack on me and the way I parent. I think the reasons that you dislike this post are the exact reasons why I felt so negatively about the subject as to write it myself, in the ranty way that I did.
I also don’t feel it’s fair to say that I attacked The Other Baba Book. I mentioned it and linked to it, because I always link to information about something that I mention. I don’t think I ever proclaimed to say anything about what is written in the book. I wrote about a specific post on a site that promotes the book, a post that I took issue with. And I wrote about the name that this style of parenting has chosen to co-op, a name that bothers me as a parent. It’s true that I didn’t do a lot of research about The Other Baby Book, but as I simply mentioned it, I thought that would be okay. Maybe I was being irresponsible, maybe I should have noted that I had not read the book and wasn’t sure of it’s teaching. I do think I made clear that I was making assumptions about their practices, based on the limited posts that I read. In the end I took issue with the name, and with the title and graphic in one post, a title and graphic the author obviously realized could illicit a negative response, as she commented on it in her own post.
I have to admit, I don’t consider myself a mainstream parent. I used that term because it was fed to me in the post I’m referring to. I use/have used every single one of the baby items listed in that graphic and parents who use those are referred to as a mainstream parents. So that is the word I used. I don’t have a name for the kind of parent that I am. I don’t subscribe to any one philosophy, I’m just doing the best I can.
And I know we all are. And I know the majority of us, no matter what kind of parenting philosophy we subscribe to, are open to other people’s parenting styles. I really truly have NOTHING against any kind of parenting style or the people who subscribe to them (as I thought I made clear, but maybe I didn’t), as long as they feel the same. What I take issue with is naming a parenting philosophy something that implies that those who don’t follow it aren’t parenting as well, or as naturally, as those who do parent that way. And I take a lot of issues with people who attack and belittle “the rest of us” as doing less for our kids, as many AP gurus did after the Time piece came out.
I think my biggest mistake here was grouping AP and NP philosophies, and therefore leadership, together. While AP and NP might have similar practices there spokespeople could be quite different. I have to admit, I got my idea of NPers and their attitude from a few posts, some of which I thought were smug and did color my perspective on them, perhaps unfairly. But maybe that is just me being defensive and small minded. I’m just so, so tired of people saying that I’m neglecting my child by putting her to sleep in a crib, that I fed her subpar excuses for food when I stopped pumping, that I don’t promote our relationship when I put her in a stroller. It does make me mad and it does make me want to rant. It makes me want to cry, actually.
Again, I apologize for any discomfort my post caused you. You have legitimate reason to be upset. But I think I do too. And while I could have written this post in a different way, I chose to do so in this way because it reflects how I feel and what I wanted to say. I’m not trying to engender understanding and support between parents here because I know I can get that, and I don’t have issue with any parents who are willing to engage in that kind of constructive language. I take issue with names and implications, with belittling and suggesting, with misinformation and broad claims. I take issue with the people who stand on a pulpit and name, brand and sell these parenting philosophies, glowering at those who choose not to buy it. I don’t take issue with the people who are just finding their way, and if my post implied that, as you suggest, I hope to clarify that right now.
Do you think if I opened this up as a dialogue with Natural Parents that they would be opening to changing their name? I really want to know? Maybe that is how I should have written this post. Maybe if I had waited a little, and let the angry fire in me about all of this die down, I would have thought to do that. Maybe I could have written it as a plea. Maybe I will do that. Write it again, in a different way, and see if it engenders the kind of discussion you are hoping for.
I wrote a letter to Natural Parenters. I hope it better opens dialogues between them and people like me. http://www.picturesandprint.com/a-letter-to-natural-parents/
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I’m obviously behind and reading backwards, but I just started to write a post about natural parenting because three people have sent me emails this week asking me what I think. What I think is pretty much what you think — what works for one person is great and what works for another person is great, and luckily we live in a big world where a multitude of good choices can exist side-by-side. Now moving to the open letter above to hear your next thoughts.
Totally late to the party (as usual…), but I just wanted to add my voice to the conversation.
I agree with a *lot* of what you write here (especially points regarding how simply because something has happened forever does not make it inherently superior). But as an accidental “natural”-ish parent, someone who still nurses her (almost-)two-year-olds, and still co-sleeps, and generally believes in gentle discipline, etc., I have to say that the judgement definitely goes both ways. I cannot count the number of times people have laughed uncomfortably, or rolled their eyes, or downright *insisted* that I would have to do things their way, when I had shared even the barest of details of our parenting choices (like the woman who was recounting her horrid days of Ferberizing her child, and told me that *eventually*, I would just HAVE to leave my boys to scream, because there was no other way they would ever sleep through the night, that it was some sort of right of passage to “harden”– her word– yourself to the wails and cries of your child).
I suppose the back-and-forth, they-do-this-so-I-do-that, etc., is neither here nor there at this point, but as I read your post, it does come across as pretty defensive to me, perhaps rightly so. And I think I might understand why, why BOTH sides come across as defensive:
As parents, we work very hard to do our best by our children. We read the books, we check out the methods, we ask our friends, we read others’ blogs, and ultimately, we try out those ideas and methods on our own children. And among different ideas and methods, we make the choices that work best for us and our families. It’s very hard to take a step back from those choices and believe that all the investigation and experimentation we did on our own isn’t necessarily what would work for someone else. It’s very hard to say, “well, I’m an intelligent, thoughtful, dedicated parent, and what this other person does is the exact opposite of what I do, but somehow, we’re both still intelligent, thoughtful dedicated parents”. If we truly believe that we have worked so very hard to make the very best choices for our children, hearing someone else say that those choices are *not* best for anyone’s children can make you feel incredibly upset and defensive. I do what’s best for my child– how DARE they say that their choices are right! How dare they try to convince me that their way is better than mine! (at least, that’s how I feel when people talk to me in strident tones about co-sleeping being dangerous)
Anyhow, I guess I just want to say that I agree with your penultimate point about all of us parenting in the way we feel is best per our circumstances. And I’m sorry that natural parenting websites and books are so caustic to you. As Justine says, I wish (naively perhaps) that we could all just get along instead.
I use many AP practices that work great. My son does sleep in my bed because he sleeps through the night and has since about four weeks old. I believe this is the case because he sleeps in my bed. If this were to change, I have no qualms with ferberizing or crying it out or something else. In being a parent I have learned that flexibility is so very important and that everyone has an opinion. Some will preach, some will nag, some will passive aggressively bring up what they think is best. I just try and be supportive because I realize that just because my son loves his sling and sleeping between his patents doesn’t mean that my next child ( if I dare to attempt this ever again) will. I get it from both sides though – my mil is anti vaccine and is shocked if I mention that he had a shot. She also claims that my son is traumatized if I don’t rush to his side when he is throwing a tantrum, “he just wants me to hold him!” is why he is upset. My father’s family thinks I am babying my son because he sleeps in the sling and I am a horrible person because I won’t let him have ice cream.